Who are you? Before you answer, let me say:
You are not your name — that’s just a sound.
You are not your job — that’s just something you do.
You are not your familial role — that just describes a relationship.
You are not your OCD.
It’s OK to get great meaning from your relationship as a brother, a mother, a grandparent… and it’s wonderful to be good at your job and to enjoy it. And, it’s convenient to have the label of a name.
You would still be you if your relationships shifted and even ended.
You would not cease to exist if you lost or changed your job.
That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
And OCD is a mental illness. You predate your OCD, by an eternity. You are part of the living universe. Your OCD is like your clothes; when you outgrow it, you are still you.
In fact, you can be more fully your self — your true self — without the encumbrance of obsessive compulsive disorder. It may sound funny that I am implying that at some level you are afraid to let the OCD go. After all, it’s annoying as hell and you are reading blog posts on how to rid yourself of it. But it could be that OCD has been such a seemingly defining characteristic of your nature for so long that you don’t know exactly who you would be without it.
There is work to be done to release yourself from the fear of not having the OCD to pretend to control circumstances in your life. There is simultaneous work to be done on getting in touch with your true self, your higher self, what Buddhists call your atman.
So Hum is a mantra used in Hindu and Jainist meditations. It means “I am.” You can meditate on so hum to gain insights into your true nature. It’s simple:
- Sit comfortably, with a straight spine.
- Close your eyes and take a few deep, slow breaths.
- Repeat the sound, so hum, in your mind. Think “so” on the in-breath and “hum” on the exhale.
- As you become aware of other thoughts, gently let them go and get back to so hum.
- If you are new to meditation, try it for one or two minutes. If you’re experienced, try 20 minutes or more.
So means “I am” and sum means “that.” While you are meditating, you can use your awareness that “so hum” means “I am that.” Notice that it doesn’t explicitly tell you what you are. But you, of all people, know who you are, deep down inside.
This wordless description of self turns up in many traditions. G-d is said to have told Moses, “I am that I am.” Remember, you are not your name. In Taoism, the nature of the Universe is said to be unnamable. The Taoist text, the Tao Te Ching says:
The Tao that can be named, is not the eternal Tao; the name that can be named, is not the eternal name.
When you meditate on so hum, your are asking yourself who you are. I cannot tell you the answer, but it won’t be your name, and it will not be your OCD.
